Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
