I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
