I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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