No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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