Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
