you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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