plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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