Dude my mom stole all your condoms
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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