I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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