I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
