I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
