i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They took my balls.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
