Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
