i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
