Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
