Who did Billy Mays play for?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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