Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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