Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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