why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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