my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
