so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
