Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize