so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
