I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
