I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
