So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
