Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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