I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize