He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
