Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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