Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
