New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
