Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
