bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I could make wine with my vomit
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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