I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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