why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
