farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
