we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
