I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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