We won't sleep together?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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