He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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