trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
