it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize