Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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