so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
