I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
