Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i came on her dog
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
