my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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