i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
