I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
