My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
