I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I cannot find my penis.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
