so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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