If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
