my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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