Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
