you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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