I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
